I’m almost 30 years old, and much like Drew Barrymore in “Never Been Kissed” I’ve “Never been in Love”. Not with anyone who’s loved me back in the same way at least.

So I decided to write a blog on the “L” word after many a disappointing Valentines Day, because for many singles V-day is like dooms day. This year was different, I was a watcher, a partaker, not the girl with a little ache of loneliness, a twinge of unsettlement, judging eyes and a lingering wondering if that deep dark ugly emptiness will one day go away. I tried my best to spread love, and listen to what people had to say about it.

So do fairy tales really exist? Or are they just for everyone else? Does love skip generations? Is it possible to be a flirtard? Maybe I was absent when they taught it in school? Jerry McGuire was looking for someone who completed him, and I’m SO bloody sick and tired of everyone saying that, wah wah wah I want someone to “complete” me, that’s the STUPIDEST thing you could EVER say! That just out right admits that you weren’t a completed person to begin with. I know I want someone to “compliment” me and all that I’m worth. Creating the ultimate dynamic duo like: Peanut butter to Jelly? Or like beer and pizza? Mac and Cheese! (I’m hungry typing right now…)

People (mainly older relatives and marrieds) constantly question why I’m single?

“Why are you single, you’re such a beauty and you have so many talents?” Me- guys hate it, they get threatened/intimidated I’ve literally been told off on 4 different occasions.

“Someday you’ll make a fabulous wife and Mom, I can’t believe no one has scooped you up yet?” Me- yikes! Let me get a bf first!

“What’s wrong with you, you’re a smart girl, you should be engaged by now?” Me – how does intelligence relate to diamonds?

“How’s it that YOU are single?” Me – what’s with the emphasis on “YOU”, what does that mean?

My default answer was to say “I dunno, maybe I’m just not lovable.” Or I have GDD – “Guy Deficiency Disease”. But I think this year I have a far better answer… maybe it’s just because… wait for it… “I know my own worth”. I’m tired of that sinking disappointment feeling. I want the “Wow”. I deserve the “Wow”. I’ll wait for the “Wow”.

So like any challenge I decided to dive into the heart of Love. (no pun intended)
I went to the classics (or my version of them anyways):

When Harry met Sally, The Notebook, Princess Bride, Dirty Dancing ,The Holiday, Top Gun, Hitch, Casablanca, 50 First Dates,Titanic, Sleepless in Seattle …etc.

Meh, all fantastic stories, some really amazing tear jerkers but doesn’t seem realistic.

So I decided to listen to love songs and power ballads like:

All you need is love – Beatles, You and Me -Lifehouse, Beautiful Love – The Afters, Alone – Heart, Careless Whispers – George Michael, More than words – Extreme, Stay – Lisa Loeb, Lady in Red- Chris De Burgh, Wonderful Tonight – Eric Clapton, All by myself – The Celine, Lady- Kenny Rogers, Here I am – Air Supply, Faithfully- Journey, Wicked Games – Chris Isaak, No More Tears – Ozzy, Sweet Child O’ Mine – G n’ R… etc.

But the only ones I feel I truly identify with are: Can anyone find me somebody to love – Queen, Here I go again – Whitesnake, and I Wanna know where love is – Foreigner and very strangely if you find yourself on a long beach walk playing power ballads its amazing how the waves seem crash in time with the songs. Creepily odd.

I’d turn to the poets, the authors and the artists but I’m just not that tortured inside to inflict self torture; I know I’d never commit suicide like Juliet and Ophelia or chop off an ear like Picasso, or kill in the name of Love. Seems a bit dramatic. I mean maybe its a good thing Haagen Das exists. Jeez have some chocolate and grab a box of tissues it’ll pass…

I’ve asked my friends what they think it is? If there’s a problem – how do I fix it?

The only definitive answer they’ve come up with is:
1- maybe you’re just not ready yet?
2 – maybe you just meet the wrong guys.
3- your flirtarded.
4- maybe you need to wait longer to have _ _ _

1. My take on that: BULLSHIT – when it happens it happens, you don’t need to prep for it like an exam, or psyche yourself up for Love like a big game. If it’s right and it fits it’ll just work out. Yes, I’m not looking for it, but no I wouldn’t close my options either. Except for internet dating, I think that’s just not for me, not that there’s anything wrong with it. It just doesn’t feel right or natural to me.

2. Meeting the wrong guys is BULLSHIT too, because I meet all sorts of guys – everywhere. I’m pretty sure cupids not hanging around up there with his harp stamping in on the ground yelling “tho shalt not pass” to all the “right” sorts of guys. Am I guilty of bad boy syndrome, maybe on occasion. But I happen to love guitar players, and that doesn’t mean that every guitar player is a douchebag! What I am guilty of is not expressing my interest or intentions first, or sober. But seriously I am shy when it comes to making the first move, plus I’m from a small town I still have some of those small town values! Like if a guy is interested he comes to you. Am I clingy? I hope not. I do get excited when I meet a guy I actually want to spend time with, so yes I may contact them regularly. But I have a rule of 2 – if I’ve tried to get ahold of a guy 2 times either by email, text, or voice mail chances are he’s got the message and has just chosen not to return it. Which I also think is rude. But either way… either way…I tap out to avoid the stage 5 cling-on title.

3. I Am flirtarded. It’s an ongoing issue. I’m working on it.

4. I wait till I feel right about it. If I’m into a guy, then why not? That part of the relationship is just as important as the emotional part to me so I think the days of the “3 day” rule are over. I happen to know of 4 married couples who had sex on their first date! Ugh… what if I’m just bad in bed? More to ponder… if so, how do you fix that? I know I’m not a starfisher, and I don’t “think” my bed moves could be compared to Elaine’s dance moves from Seinfeld, but I’m not a porn star either, I’m ok with a happy medium, and I usually see ahem… “results”. Kinda hard to fake. So I dunno I haven’t asked for testimonials.

Regardless, after a guesstimated 12 years of “dating” here’s what I know:

I’ve dated the guy who I gave my all to, he was my best friend and shamefully I’d say my everything. I was close to his family and his friends but never as close to him as I ever really wanted. Turned out in the end he said he loved me but was never “in love” with me “that way”. I would bend over backwards to show him how much I cared, and I either got nothing in return or a mediocre half assed attempt with the precursor always being “but I’m a guy I don’t do mushy stuff” or “that’s gay” or “nothing I do is going to be good enough”. Riiiiiight! Thanks. What he was really saying was: I’m not that into you to be that creative or care that much, but you’re ok, so I’ll keep you for now until I find my version of better. In the end I drowned in I.O.U’s and empty promises and lies to make me feel better. I don’t think he’s a bad guy I just think he needed to be honest and we wouldn’t have waisted so much of each others time. – Guys, sometimes being nice is worse.

I dated the sweet on the outside messed on the inside guy for off and on for over half a year before I realized his addictions and dependancy were making me less of me, and more of a mom/caregiver to him. – No thank-you!

I dated the physical/mentally abusive guy 2 and a 1/2 weeks of bliss to be ruined by 1 night of a punch and hit and miss. Never. Again. Ladies if a guy ever says “you’re too fat, you’re too ugly, he’s the best thing you’ll ever have…” run. Or my personal favorite was “I don’t mean it, I’m just saying that to knock you down a few pegs so you won’t be so high and mighty and maybe learn how to depend on me”. – RUN.

I’ve dated the “baby you’re so amazing, you’re so sweet, you’re the perfect girl” blah blah blah guy, only to find out he’s sleeping with 3 other chicks, and in one instance had a girlfriend! Must be using The Game, or the law of odds. – Bubbbbye!

Then there’s a few who were just what they are. I appreciate that. Just be honest. No harm no foul. Which means: No cuddling. No sleepovers. Thanks call ya- never. -Just be upfront.

So after 3 days of Love research my conclusion is still the same:

- I’ll never settle for ordinary or mediocre, because I’m not an ordinary or mediocre person.
- Someday someone will love me for the good, the bad, and the down-right ugly.
- Doesn’t matter where, when or how if its meant to be – it’ll just work out
- Passion can and will give you purpose
- I do want a spontaneous romantic cheese ball like myself who appreciates all things 80’s.
- I’ll wait for my “Wow” even if it takes five lifetimes.
- If you’re asked what’s wrong with you because you’re single, its nothing, being single is not a disease.
- A break is a “break-up” for a reason, move on. It’ll never work out, it’s just comfortable.
- It IS better to love and lose, then to be comfortably numb.
- Love attracts love. Be open to it, eventually it will come.
- If a guys into you – not even living in China will keep him away (proud of J&J) some vacationships work.
- Know that you’re worth something great, if you believe it, someone else will too.
- Unconditional Love is the one you want.

Carrie Bradshaw got her “Big” love in the end…
So to encourage positivity I wear a big rose quartz crystal,
I tell people its a big rock for big love – one day!

Hope roo’s be livin easy and love hard! Don’t stop believing!

SP

P.S. – I’ll have to admit I “Loved” being in another country on Valentines! (Had to make this somehow travel related).